Lately, it feels like this blog is useless. It feels as though the words I’ve been writing are just more words being added to a world that always has something to say, whether it helps or not. I considered deleting this whole thing a time or two because I can’t see anything coming from this. I hope and pray that the words that I write are not my own, I hope and pray that they’re words from God. But I’ve had a hard time listening to Him.
If you’ve kept up on here at all, you’ll know about the many changes and hardships that have happened in the past couple of weeks. My family has hit storms, we almost lost someone, I’ve lost sight of myself in the struggles, and it’s just been a rough time. I’ve had to keep reminding myself and others that God is good even when I can’t understand what He’s doing. I find myself asking, “Why bring Hannah to the edge of death and then heal her the way that You did? What are You trying to teach me, Lord, in this time of being by myself most of the time? Why all of these changes all at once?” And as I find myself asking all of these questions, I’m learning that I’m not actually listening to what He has to say. I’m asking all of these questions and then I’m trying to work to get the answers. I’m saying to myself, “If I just do this, He’ll show me the answers. If I’m kinder to this person, He’ll give me what I want. If I show up here, He’ll give me all the answers I’m looking for.” I find myself working to get answers that He doesn’t want me to know yet. I find myself exhausting myself to try to get these answers when He wants me to be still and trust Him.
I’m not very good at being still, y’all. I’m really good at always doing something and end up being empty and exhausted and confused as to why nothing has actually changed after I’ve done all of this stuff. I’m finding myself backtracking to what I used to believe. That grace wasn’t enough, there had to be a catch. It’s not possible for someone to love me enough to die for me, to die so that I may live. It’s not possible to lay everything down at the feet of Jesus and then live for Him. It’s not possible for me to not prove myself to Him, to not work for the grace and mercy that I don’t deserve.
Y’all. I don’t deserve anything that He has given me. I deserve nothing except for Hell. I deserve death and destruction and all of eternity in Hell. My sin is awful, worse than I can probably even imagine. It’s so ugly and dirty that I shouldn’t even be here. And yet, the Creator of the cosmos looks at me in all of my filth and says, “I love you. No ifs, ands, or buts. I love you.” The God of the Universe looks at all of our brokenness and ugliness and says, “It’s all taken care of. By the Power of the Cross, you’ve been made new.” When we really look at what Jesus has done for us, we realize how undeserving we are of it. We are terrible and awful people y’all. Like so, so awful. But Jesus still looks at us with the most unconditional love. When we trust in Him fully, we are His forever. No matter what we go through in this life, whether good or bad, pretty or messy, happy or sad, His love remains and we will be with Him for all eternity.
I don’t actually know who all has been reading this blog. If you have, thank you! If you haven’t yet, you’re being prayed for, friend. I won’t stop this blog just yet. I firmly believe that God is going to use this in ways that only He is capable of. Without Him, this blog really would be just more words added to a world that doesn’t know how to be silent. But because of Him, maybe the words you are reading will bring more glory to Him beyond what I can see.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.”
Colossians 3:12-15, ESV
Small note: the new series I talked about last week will be starting soon. I’m trying to give these sweet people time to think everything over before I start everything up. I hope y’all are still as excited as I am!
Beauty in the Ashes 